Blind spots

I’ve had a picture of a woman that I dated at college in my desk, clearly visible when I opened the top drawer, for more than 20 years.  I often wondered why I kept it there.  It remained there up until I had it on my dining room table with some other memorabilia.  One day I looked at it after I had tried to contact her out of curiosity.  To no avail.  Then I decided to put it away. I thought it might cause misgivings with my significant other.

Now less than 2 months later the very same old friend contacts me on facebook and things began to rearrange themselves in my life.  I was very glad to hear from her and it has been great fun sharing life stories from the last 42 or 43 years.  She started asking me if I remembered specific things.  At first I did not remember.  Then as she started filling in little details I began to become aware of how important that time was in my life.

The picture was probably subconsciously held out so that I would eventually take notice and open a previously lost chapter of my life . It was the key to much of my denial.  I had made decisions that to this day have subconsciously effected my life.  Forgotten decisions that now are popping open like kernels of popcorn when heated.  She represented a perfect life to me and I had lost it.  It hurt, so I pressed on and decided that a life I had dreamed of was always going to be beyond my reach. I would never go there, it became sacred ground. It was the 4th step in a series of events that energized a restless,  detached life based on change, chaos, and adventure. Eventually leading to my psychotherapist role in life.

I see now more clearly  My subconscious commitment to helping others heal and take permission to fulfill their dreams came from.  I take the freedom that comes from the awareness of my “motis oporendi” and the underlying decisions driving it.

I love what I do. I would change nothing that has taken place.  It does however feel good to open myself to an aspect of me I rejected in the past.

Do you have lost chapters in your life?

Michael

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2 Responses to “Blind spots”

  1. a49 says:

    that’s weird, just last week I was thinking “maybe Michael could write about blindspots”, as I’m sure we all have them- and great slip, where you write 20 tears rather then 20 years…another blindspot?

  2. Pamela says:

    I love this entry on blindspots. I have had many of those and its amazing how keeping it from the forefront takes up a lot of memory space as on a computer, and a lot of energy. I don’t know the number of times I have expoded to keep blindspots sacred. Or secret really. Thank you for sharing as you do, thank you for helping me look at my blindspots and putting away the landmines which protect them. From me. And from my signigicant others.

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